Walking Despite the Fear

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Hope is a fragile thing. It’s the most delicate piece I’ve been trying to hold on to for several years. With each hope I’ve planted and each hope I’ve cultivated, I watered what I hoped would grow into two difficult, almost impossible, things: faith in myself and faith in others to have faith in me. To plant these two seeds was the most excruciatingly painful and unexplainable feeling I’ve ever forced myself to do so.
For 29 years, the inner turmoil was always a dilemma between fruitless, useless struggle to survive and strong-willed determination to live a happy life. Happiness is one thing I always thought would come with hope. But what really is happiness? I still don’t know. Is it living with a purpose? Is it living to contribute to the family? Is it living as my heart nags me? I don’t know and I may never know what it really is.
However, I had an idea, an inkling, a little voice, which told me that I may not know what real happiness is but maybe, just maybe, there is a way out of panic and anxiety. Trying to live everyday with anxiety and low self-esteem is a path I never chose for myself. I once said that at any day, I would choose heartbreak over anxiety. Most people don’t know that the struggle is not just painful but real. It is real. And I thought that the only way to make it through my reality is to build my self confidence so that maybe one day, one day when I can finally believe in myself, people will believe in me too.
Hope and faith could be interchangeable. What I didn’t realize was that sometimes faith doesn’t really follow hope. Today, I finally, FINALLY, made the first step of gaining that elusive self esteem. I wanted to live so I walked despite the fear. Even without hearing any applause, I did it. I believed in myself. And I’m saying this for the first time, I finally believed in myself. I was so elated that I wanted to share a little piece of it to others who I thought wanted this for me. But before I could even say a word, I was given a “suggestion” on how to start anew. They knew I was making a step, even encouraged a little bit, but here they are, offering me a different way out. It was so different from the one I took years to build. My smile was so brilliant to mask the hurt in my eyes. I wasn’t angry and still not but I was hurt. I did hope that the people I love would believe in what I can do. I did hope that they have faith in me. I said I could do it. I believed I could do it then I started doubting myself again because I didn’t have enough of it already. I admit I cried for release but not in front of them. It was painful to realize that until I’ve made significant contribution and achievement, I couldn’t make them believe in me.
No, I wouldn’t take the offer. I know the thoughts behind it were well-meaning and kind but to take it would be a betrayal to myself and what I’ve started. I just started believing in myself. Please, let me believe more. It hurt me but it hasn’t discouraged me. I am moving further and I will prove it to them and to the world that I can make it too. Just let me believe in myself.

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